Cant sleep

 Good evening internet world. 

I cant sleep. I have way to much going on in my mind. Mostly...my new adventure. 

I seem to have a lot of adventures huh. 

Well you see I decided that the blog thing wasnt working out the way I wanted...dont worry I will still come on here and ramble my thoughts to no one to read. But i decided it was time to try a new creative venture. 

YouTube. 

I have always wanted to start a YouTube Channel. I even got a camera and a tripod. 

It never went anywhere. Mostly because I put one video up of some random pictures of Bruce. 

But this time. I really want to be motivated to do it, I really want to get somewhere. 

I dont expect to strike it rich. Although that would be awesome. 

But it would be nice to be able to not worry about getting a job so I can stay home with Alice. 

See I was fired a few weeks ago from a job. It wasnt meant to be my forever job but the fact that I didnt leave on my own choice really bothers me. A lot. To the point I am having nightmares about it. 

I dont have the best self esteem. I often beat myself up over little things that I feel like most people just shrug off. 

The fact that I was told that I make too many mistakes...It really stuck with me. 

The job wasnt difficult. But the training was...well...I was told I had to train myself. I am pretty good at learning things pretty quickly on my own. But I do need some guidance sometimes...and at least a starting point. 

I am also not the best at spelling or numbers...which is ironic since I was a banker for 8 1/2 years and I also call myself a writer. 

But I dont think the mistakes I made were really worth being fired over. And yes they could have been avoidable...if someone would have helped me. 

It really hurt to hear that I wasnt good enough...for this simple job. I keep replaying the whole situation in my mind. But what really really hurt the most. When my boss was telling me my strengths...of what I would be good at in the future...Answering the phones and talking to people...just as long as I didnt have to figure something out. 

I dont know if I can type how I felt in that moment. To know that for the few months I had been there, that was my strength. And the really ironic thing about that is I hate talking on the phone. You have no idea that amount of self talk I have to give myself to just make my normal "adult" calls. Sometimes it takes days. 

So I really dont know what to do with this information. 

But I decided to give myself an impossible goal... One that I really hope I can accomplish. 

Doing more research I am constantly altering my goal but for now... 

I would like to be able to make some sort of income on Youtube by this time next year. 

I asked my husband if he thought I could do it. He kindly said...its not going to be easy. 

And I am aware that it wont be easy. But I can do this. 

I think I can be a great story teller. I just need to get out of my own way. I need to move past what people say to me and just do what I think is right. 

I will probably have to find a real job soon... But for now... 

I need to enjoy this time I can spend with my daughter and enjoy the time that I can build an audience for the channel. 

Its just hard for me to do that. 

So Internet. I need you to work your magic. I need you to help me get to 1000 subscribers and 4000 hours of public view time so I can start having ads on my channel. 

Please gods and goddess of the internet world hear my plea. I dont want fame and fortune. I just want to be able to be...me and be entertaining enough to get paid. 

I hope you all...which is no one reading this...understand what I am trying to do and make it a reality. I am going to need everyones help getting this goal achieved. 

Lets Get Random