Mom status

Hello world.
This is a hard post to do, I am going to be honest and put my feelings out for everyone to read. Why? Because maybe someday somewhere someone will need to hear this and maybe they will stumble on my blog and find the words they need to see.

As most of you know, or maybe you dont... I had my first baby in March. Having a child during this pandemic we are going through is stress I dont really think anyone needs. But we are handling it.

So with a mixture of new baby, crazy hormones and being on lock down I have been stuck with my thoughts for way longer than I should.

I over think anyways so now that I have all this time... its been pretty bad.

I have been struggling. I didn't feel like a Mom. Even through my pregnancy I just didnt feel any different...just fatter.

I thought, after the first sonogram I will feel more like a mom.

Nope.

Maybe the first heart beat.
Nope, not really. It felt a little more real for sure. But I still didnt feel like a mom.

After the gender reveal party?
Nope.

After the baby shower...
Nope.

After the nursery was done.
Nope.

For sure when I went to the hospital right?
Nope.

Maybe when I give birth to her?
A little bit.
But I still felt the same old me, just with a new story to tell.

Weeks turned into months and I still felt the same.

Dont get me wrong, I love this girl with all my heart and I am so happy to have her here. I just didn't feel like a mom if that makes sense. It felt more like someone gave me this wonderful gift but didn't give me a instruction book.

How was I supposed to feel? How does someone feel like a mom.

I can also tell you its not having random people call you "Mom" a new annoyance I have discovered.

I felt it yesterday. Finally.

We took our baby girl to her two month appointment and she had to get her two month shot.
People had told me all along it was terrible to see your baby get a shot. I had convinced myself I was tough that I could handle it.
And I did. I was fine. No I didnt enjoy seeing my daughter get poked with a needle multiple times but I was ok...or at least I thought I was. It wasn't until she was bleeding a little on her leg and the bandaid wasnt sticking was when I turned into a crazy mom. My brain was going so fast. It was just a few drops of blood. I had seen her get pricked before and she was on all sorts of monitors and such when she was born but something about the blood coming out of her bugs bunny band aid just didnt set well with me. I started pacing trying to fix the problem. To find a new band aid or something since the nurse left us. But had no luck. And I wanted to leave that room and find that nurse and smash her head in for hurting my baby.

It took Chris saying to me "Why are you freaking out now?" To make me realize I was being slightly crazy. But he didn't know what my thought process was. He just thought I was annoyed that we had to wait for two hours for this shot to happen. But in reality I just hated seeing my daughter hurting.
It got worse when we got home and her leg must have been hurting her because every time she would move it she would cry.
Of course we were given no words of wisdom on how to deal with this if it were to happen so I felt that anger before.

I picked up my phone three times to call that stupid doctors office and give them a piece of my mind. But I didn't.

I just focused on Alice. Tried to make her comfortable.

Today as I contemplated this whole thought of "feeling like a mom" thing I came to some interesting conclusions.

People see things differently. So where my perfect imagine of a mother was everything I am not, it doesnt mean that I am not a mom...obviously I am a mom I have the kid to prove it.

I am still trying to make my thoughts clear....

So, in school people had an image of themselves doing something after school. Whether it was going to college to become a teacher or just working for the family business, every one had their own vision.
Now I didnt share those same images, I didnt go to college or have a family business to work for. I had different plans...but that didn't make me any less of a graduate than them. I still got my diploma and had the graduation party and everything.

Its the same thing for being a mom.

Some moms might do things differently than I do, or feel differently about things and thats ok. Thats what makes us different.

Even thought it took me two months to get to this moment of feeling like a mom but I am here and it feels great.

If any new moms feel this way and wonder when they are going to feel like a mom, trust me it will happen when you least expect it.

It might be when your baby smiles at you
or in my case when you get this sudden urge to protect them from the mean nurse.

Just dont let the bad thoughts consume you. Day by day I am feeling better and getting into my own rhythm.

Have a support group. I have reached out to so many moms of different personalities and I have to say its the best thing to have mom friends.

and they all told me the same thing, this is normal. This will pass.

I dont think I am out of the woods yet with my thoughts but its nice to get through the darkness.

I hope this helps someone, somewhere, someday.

Moms have to stick together. :)