Mom status

Hello world.
This is a hard post to do, I am going to be honest and put my feelings out for everyone to read. Why? Because maybe someday somewhere someone will need to hear this and maybe they will stumble on my blog and find the words they need to see.

As most of you know, or maybe you dont... I had my first baby in March. Having a child during this pandemic we are going through is stress I dont really think anyone needs. But we are handling it.

So with a mixture of new baby, crazy hormones and being on lock down I have been stuck with my thoughts for way longer than I should.

I over think anyways so now that I have all this time... its been pretty bad.

I have been struggling. I didn't feel like a Mom. Even through my pregnancy I just didnt feel any different...just fatter.

I thought, after the first sonogram I will feel more like a mom.

Nope.

Maybe the first heart beat.
Nope, not really. It felt a little more real for sure. But I still didnt feel like a mom.

After the gender reveal party?
Nope.

After the baby shower...
Nope.

After the nursery was done.
Nope.

For sure when I went to the hospital right?
Nope.

Maybe when I give birth to her?
A little bit.
But I still felt the same old me, just with a new story to tell.

Weeks turned into months and I still felt the same.

Dont get me wrong, I love this girl with all my heart and I am so happy to have her here. I just didn't feel like a mom if that makes sense. It felt more like someone gave me this wonderful gift but didn't give me a instruction book.

How was I supposed to feel? How does someone feel like a mom.

I can also tell you its not having random people call you "Mom" a new annoyance I have discovered.

I felt it yesterday. Finally.

We took our baby girl to her two month appointment and she had to get her two month shot.
People had told me all along it was terrible to see your baby get a shot. I had convinced myself I was tough that I could handle it.
And I did. I was fine. No I didnt enjoy seeing my daughter get poked with a needle multiple times but I was ok...or at least I thought I was. It wasn't until she was bleeding a little on her leg and the bandaid wasnt sticking was when I turned into a crazy mom. My brain was going so fast. It was just a few drops of blood. I had seen her get pricked before and she was on all sorts of monitors and such when she was born but something about the blood coming out of her bugs bunny band aid just didnt set well with me. I started pacing trying to fix the problem. To find a new band aid or something since the nurse left us. But had no luck. And I wanted to leave that room and find that nurse and smash her head in for hurting my baby.

It took Chris saying to me "Why are you freaking out now?" To make me realize I was being slightly crazy. But he didn't know what my thought process was. He just thought I was annoyed that we had to wait for two hours for this shot to happen. But in reality I just hated seeing my daughter hurting.
It got worse when we got home and her leg must have been hurting her because every time she would move it she would cry.
Of course we were given no words of wisdom on how to deal with this if it were to happen so I felt that anger before.

I picked up my phone three times to call that stupid doctors office and give them a piece of my mind. But I didn't.

I just focused on Alice. Tried to make her comfortable.

Today as I contemplated this whole thought of "feeling like a mom" thing I came to some interesting conclusions.

People see things differently. So where my perfect imagine of a mother was everything I am not, it doesnt mean that I am not a mom...obviously I am a mom I have the kid to prove it.

I am still trying to make my thoughts clear....

So, in school people had an image of themselves doing something after school. Whether it was going to college to become a teacher or just working for the family business, every one had their own vision.
Now I didnt share those same images, I didnt go to college or have a family business to work for. I had different plans...but that didn't make me any less of a graduate than them. I still got my diploma and had the graduation party and everything.

Its the same thing for being a mom.

Some moms might do things differently than I do, or feel differently about things and thats ok. Thats what makes us different.

Even thought it took me two months to get to this moment of feeling like a mom but I am here and it feels great.

If any new moms feel this way and wonder when they are going to feel like a mom, trust me it will happen when you least expect it.

It might be when your baby smiles at you
or in my case when you get this sudden urge to protect them from the mean nurse.

Just dont let the bad thoughts consume you. Day by day I am feeling better and getting into my own rhythm.

Have a support group. I have reached out to so many moms of different personalities and I have to say its the best thing to have mom friends.

and they all told me the same thing, this is normal. This will pass.

I dont think I am out of the woods yet with my thoughts but its nice to get through the darkness.

I hope this helps someone, somewhere, someday.

Moms have to stick together. :)

Nursery

Good morning

Today would have been my due date.

However miss Alice decided she wanted to be a March baby instead of an April baby.

Hey ya gotta love a kid that knows what she wants even before she is born.

The day before I went into labor I worked on the nursery. Some might argue this is what caused me to go into early labor but I really didn't do anything to crazy..

It still wasnt done...still isnt 100% done but its about 98% done so I figured I would share.

Before I start showing you pictures of my hard work let me first start by explaining... yes I went on pinterest and looked for lots of ideas of the perfect Nursery.

You wont find my nursery in a pinterest post. It took me a while to realize that sometimes the world isnt Pinterest perfect. I really liked the ones I was seeing but with out dropping a bunch of money I didn't really have I wasnt going to achieve one of those rooms.

But that is ok. Because Alice isn't Pinterest perfect..She is Reed perfect.

I hated when people asked me what the theme of the room was. There is really no theme. I tried doing the Alice in Wonderland but i wanted it to be subtle.

I also am not a huge fan of the color pink

SO the colors I picked were teal and gray. Because why not lol.

As I finished hanging up some things last night I stood back and admired my work.

Is it how I pictured it in my head? No. not really. Is it usable. Yeah. Chris and I have a pretty good system so far. If it doesnt work... we fix it. And I dont have to worry about the expensive dohicky getting ruined by explosive poop.

so here is Alice's first room.

The rocking chair is something really special to me, its not the most comfortable but it was my Aunt's and this way I can have a part of her while on this new journey of mine.  My dad recovered it for me so now it matches my room.

My friend made that sign for the baby shower, and for the nursery. :)

This is a sign I made for her, I saw this quote on a picture at Hobby Lobby but it had some weird horn thing on it and it wouldn't look right in my room. So what does Casey do? She goes on Amazon and finds the stencil with the same quote. BOOM! 

I kept seeing on pinterest "in this house" and a bunch of nerd statements... I decided to make my own. Taking the things that we like and making it. Is it perfect? Nope. But it works. Just another reminder for Alice that her parents are complete nerds. 

The crib was my nieces and my brother came over and helped me put it together... by help I mean he did all the work and I supervised HAHA.

My Niece made this for Alice. She did such an awesome job on it. Unfortunately because of social distancing and what not I dont have it yet. But this is something I plan on keeping forever anyways so no worries on when I am getting it.  

The sparkle thing is kind of an inside joke, Chris says he likes buying me things that make me sparkle.
Most of the time its food HAHA. 

This corner has some other special items.
Top shelf a Peter Pan book, but this book is not something you can just go buy... well i mean you can but inside my best friend wrote little notes to Alice and gave us some translations on some of the words haha.
Second shelf is a stuffed bunny. I had one just like that when I was a little girl, in fact I still have it...
but its not in the best shape and might give you nightmares if i showed it to you. I bought this one years ago. Honestly to fix my old bunny... I never thought I would accidentally save it for my daughter someday.
Next to the bunny is a jar of hearts... not real hearts we keep those in the kitchen. These are the hearts from my baby shower. Everyone held one and made a wish for me and Alice.
On the last shelf is Alice's first toy from her grandma, a winnie the pooh toy. And the R2D2 of course is from her Daddy. Because... well we have to turn her to the nerd side as soon as possible. Chris and I wont know what to do with ourselves if we have a daughter who likes sports or something (Totally kidding we will let her do sports if that is what she wants... we just wont know what to do with that hahah)

Will it win any better home and garden awards? Probably not. Is it a great space for Alice to experience. Yes. It has the perfect combination of pretty and nerdy because that is how we roll in the Reed home.


Hope everyone is having a great day and enjoyed my post :)

The princess is about to wake up so I have to tend to her needs.

Labor during COVID-19...

Hello blog world

I'm currently sitting in the hospital next to my baby (actually when I post this I'll be home but right now…)

This corona virus is nuts. 

I thought maybe you would like to know how this has affected my delivery. 

My journey started Friday night march 27th.

When I thought my bladder was just completely bonkers. 

Saturday morning came along and I decided I needed to go to the hospital just to make sure I was ok.

I get to the hospital and it looked like the scene from ET.

People were set up by the doors to check people in

Shout out to all the staff dealing with these new changes.

They are doing a good job in trying to keep things structured..   I don't like most of their rules… but I understand. 

So once I got inside I think I went through the normal routine. 

.guess what my bladder wasn't bonkers my water broke… 11 days early.

I'm not going to get into all the details of my labor and what not here. 

I will say that it was a long few days.

So the rules that bug me but I do understand…

Limited visitors… basically most hospitals are only allowing one person, obviously it was my husband. 

He was allowed to leave and enter the hospital but each time he entered he was screened. 

Now the part that doesn't make sense to me but again… it's not the nurses or doctors fault. But unfortunately because my water broke so early and for so long before delivery we both had to be on antibiotics. 

So my new baby had to be in NICU. We could visit when we wanted…. Just not together. So we had to swap.

I really want some one to explain to me how this makes sense.

It really frustrated me that this was the case and no one really could explain to me why this made sense

It was difficult not to take my frustrations out on the nurses but again… I Know it's not their fault. 

The other thing that bothered me was the fact that it didn't seem to matter how much of the random staff was allowed in…

Including the Chaplin… 

Not bashing any religious beliefs or anything but to me that didn't seem like an essential person that had to be in the room with me and my daughter. 

Hopefully we will be home soon in our own safe bubble. 

 So over this place… as nice as they have been I'd like to get my own routine started in the comfort of my home.

Plus I feel like my baby girl is going to get a fear of masks…. 

I have a hard time dealing with the nurses with things on their faces… imagine how scary that might be for a baby! 

Be safe everyone. 

PBJ

Good almost afternoon!

I eat my lunch at 11:00 at work so it's my lunch time and I felt like I should write a post.

Nothing earth shattering but just a nice little thought I think you would enjoy reading.

So those who know me personally know that I'm a bit of anxiety spaz.

I don't want to say I have anxiety because i have never seen a doctor to tell me this. 

But I know I stress over the dumbest things and sometimes the thoughts prevent me from doing new things. 

Which was one of my fears of becoming a mom. I know a lot of people think "am I good enough" and that doesn't make me any different but sometimes I worry about things other people don't think about.

Like I'm sure a lot of moms worry about if the carseat is in the car correctly or that they are doing everything right when it comes to feeding and caring for their babies. Even making sure they have the right pacifier seems to be a struggle for some mom's to be.

Now these are all thoughts I also have do don't think that I am just like whatever about it. But to me these cross my mind once in a while...

What had been bothering me (I use the term bother lightly here) is... 

You ready?

I don't think you are ready.

This will make you chuckle so get ready.

I am worried I won't be a good mom because I am not very good at making peanut butter jelly sandwiches.

I know right 

Who thinks of this nonsense?

Me.

Why?

I don't know I got it in my head a long time ago that my mom makes better peanut butter jelly sandwiches then I do so that makes her a good mom. 

So i can't say I crave peanut butter and jelly sandwiches but I am pretty happy when I am eating them. So I have been making them for my lunch most days. 

And I keep trying to get the proportions right and I either have to much peanut butter and not enough jelly or the other way around.

It's ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong they are still yummy but I think of the future if I make a sandwich for Alice if it will be good or if she will complain to the other kids that her money "sucks at making lunches"

Again... I am well aware i sound crazy.  And I am getting to my point...

.

So this morning I was running late because well Tuesdays are hard for me to leave the house on time because my husband is usually home so I really dont want to go to work. 

So as I'm struggling to get ready for work I was running out of time to get my lunch. I figured I'd probably just grab a can of raviolis and get wicked heart burn later. I didn't have time to do all the things and make my sandwich. 

Of course my husband saves the day as he usually does and he made me my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

Seriously I hit the lottery with this guy 

As I sit down for my lunch I smile at all the goodies he put in my lunch bag for me to eat.

It resembles something I would have eaten in middle school...

Sandwich, fruit roll up, Capri sun and to make it "healthy" I have an apple and a few types of granola bars. 

But the sandwich... Perfect amount of peanut butter and jelly mushed in the bread of numminess. 

This is the good part of the post...

I might not make the best lunches... But I will show up in other ways for Alice.

And the ways that I fall short.... Like making the perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich for example is where her Dad will make up for. 

We are going to be great parents because we are a great team. And that makes all the other worries fade away. 

Sometimes I start to worry again. But Chris keeps me on track.

Alice is going to have so much love and the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. 

Rambles of a Ranty Reed

Good morning world.

I keep making posts that I don't actually post which isn't good....

This morning I am a little on the cranky side and I am trying to get out of the crankyness and enjoy the day.

Its one of those mornings where I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Which is an annoying saying because I don't get up on the wrong side...

Anyways. Something that has always helped me is typing. Doesn't have to be anything profound or anything but the act of typing has always calmed me down.

You would think I would be further along in my writing if that was the case. But unfortantly I can't usually focus when I am in these moods so usually this typing thing ends up being long emails to random people or just something that will get stored in my google docs and then I will read it later on and be like...what in the heck is wrong with her?

So...now why am I putting this nonsense for the whole internet to see? Meh why not.

I have so many things I want to do and I get myself overwhelmed and then don't even want to change out of my pajamas.

Of course being pregnant and not having any clothes that fit right doesn't help that particular task much.

When I am home alone I end up thinking WAY to much and getting myself all worked up over literally nothing.

Which is what I am starting to do this morning. The good news is I am starting to see the signs and realizing that whatever it is it will get done. One way or the other it will get done.

But sometimes like this morning its hard to see that when the kitchen is a mess and my house smells weird and I cant seem to get motivated to do anything. The animals are being animals which apparently I find annoying and then to top it all off the stupid dealership I live next to stupid loud speaker thing keeps going off! (Its the most annoying "alarm" system I have ever heard. It goes off during closed hours when ever something sets off the motion sensor. ANYTHING. And someone is over there working so it...keeps..going..off)

So here we are. locked in my room in a comfortable (ish) position typing my worries away. I shouldn't be so cranky. A lot of good things have happened in the last few days.

I got good news on my lab results that I was stressing about.
My dad did a long overdue surgery and all went well.
I had an awesome baby shower!
Valentines day was great (but thats because I have the best husband in the world)

Things are actually pretty good.
The baby is kicking away which is good... unless its on my bladder but even then I am still happy to feel her moving around.

The office is no longer an office but a baby storage area (I cant call it a nursery yet because it doesnt look like a nursery yet lol)

Chris put together some of the baby stuff we got which was exciting to see it out of the box.

OH I got my car detailed for the first time ever. That was cool...yeah its the little things that amuse me.
Of course now my car smells funny so that is a little disappointing but ITS SO CLEAN!

See I have lots of things to be happy about. I just worry...A LOT. but apparently according to my husband and awesome sister in law this will make me a good mom... I am going to go with it. HAHA.

I need to prioritize my things. Little at a time things are getting done and thats perfectly ok. But I also think I need to get out of this house for a little bit... or put on some loud music because every little sound that I dont make is driving me insane. Like right now... Gracie is rubbing up against a laundry basket and pushing it around my bed room floor... You would think that she just said the worst thing to me and now I am a ball of rage.

Since I started writing this ramble... the loud speaker has gone off five times. And it has gone off at least five times before I started typing.
Six.
Oh. My. Geebs. I am going to hope the fence and destroy this loud speaker!

I can see it in the news now.. "Pregnant woman arrested for killing Toyota loud speaker, drugs were not involved"

Funny story about this loud speaker. When I first moved here I had no idea this would be a problem. Usually I will hear it occasionally but it doesnt bother me. But it was going off at like 1am... 3 am... 5 am... I was going crazy and of course because of the distance I cant really understand what the stupid thing is saying. It just sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher. Unless an actual person talks on the thing, which sometimes they let other employees know they have a call or when their lunch is here. Well I guess at one point the guys were doing something overnight because they got food sent to them and the dude on the loud speaker was like "Tony your sub is here!" it was probably close to midnight and that was when I had enough of this loud speaker nonsense. So I worked up my courage and called Toyota. I explained to them what was happening and they informed me that it was *Impossible* that I was hearing the loud speaker at those times because no one was there. So i told them well then you have ghosts and they order subs. So you might want to get that checked out. I was so mad! I couldn't believe she told me it was impossible that I was hearing it... I know I am crazy but I am not that crazy.
Well a couple days go by and I got a call from Toyota it was the lady apologizing that she said it was impossible because obviously it wasn't... she then explained to me what I was hearing was actually the alarm system that is on a motion sensor. Basically informing the intruder that the dealership is closed and to please return during regular hours, and something about calling law enforcement if they do not get off the property.

I just wish that when someone...like today is working there on a Sunday they SHUT IT OFFFFFFFFFFF

Its real fun when they get deliveries... at 4am it sounds like Jurassic park in my back yard.

Cool...

So anyways that is my rambles on the dealership.

I think I am going to try to make some tea and calm down and hopefully get something done so I feel somewhat productive today.

Wish me luck and thanks for reading...
Unless you didn't read this....
in that case...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!

Pregnant woman rant

Good morning all.

I got up this morning and told myself my list of things to do today.

But I have to keep taking breaks or I will "over do it" as I am told. So I decided to distract myself with typing up this blog post.

Since I never really thought that I would be pregnant, since it wasn't until I met Chris that I decided I wanted kids.... I never really thought about the things pregnant people have to go through.

I gained weight before I got pregnant which annoyed the living day lights out of me. And I was told "what will you do if you get pregnant, you know you get bigger right?"
Yes but its different. At least so I thought. I never dreamed that people would body shame someone who is pregnant.

Whenever I would see a pregnant person I never had this urge to go up to them and tell them how big they are or ask them if they were having twins.

Even if I was the type of person to go up to someone randomly and just start talking to them.

Chris and I make jokes sometimes to each other about seeing another pregnant woman, he will say something like "look she is smuggling a watermelon too."
Maybe thats wrong too but he says it more to make me feel better about being "huge"

By the way before I continue on with this rant let me just say that my doctor says that my size is the right size for my current term.

So suck it!

any ways...

The other thing that annoys me is when people say "oh its because you are pregnant"

Yes my body has changed and my emotions are all over the place.

But guess what, news flash... I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AN EMOTIONAL BASKET CASE!

But it's nice to have something else to blame lol.

I have always been hard on myself when it comes to what I think about myself.
I am trying to work on that, but it is difficult...and it doesn't help when you have people saying hurtful things, even if they don't mean to.

You know what though, not everyone is like that. Some people are actually pretty cool and I am trying to focus on them.... I know it doesn't seem that way since I am ranting about the bad.

Like yesterday, my mom and I went out for lunch. We had to wait for a table. There was no where to sit and wait but I didn't mind standing for a few minutes anyways. But as soon as this gentleman saw that I was pregnant he jumped up and offered me his spot on the bench. I declined because I am not that person, he was there first he gets the spot. But it was nice of him to offer it.

He didn't say anything about me being huge or say I needed to rest because I am pregnant... it was just a nice gesture. That's all it takes. One nice gesture to make things better.

My advice.... you know since everyone wants to give me advice now... the tables have turned I AM GIVING THE ADVICE NOW...

My advice, if you see a pregnant woman and even if you have this urge to go up to them, touch their belly because it is so cool that they have life growing inside of them...Dont.
Even if you have this urge to go up and tell them how big they are and how big and "healthy" the baby is going to be....Dont.
Even she is crying her eyes out and eating chocolate, and you want to tell her that is not healthy for the baby...Dont...Chances are that is why she is crying but the baby doesnt like fruit and veggies and makes mommy's tummy hurt something awful when she tries to eat healthy....or she just was called huge and now she wants to eat her emotions....just...DONT

If you feel you have to say something at all just because that is the type of person you are, stick with you look lovely or congrats on the baby. (be 100% sure she is pregnant before you say this) Or...Just offer your spot so she can sit down. Just...basically pretend you are human being for one moment of your life.


Even though dealing with all these new emotions and body changes it is still so cool to feel her kick me.
I can be totally drained and crying because I feel like I am failing at everything because I was too tired to do the dishes....as soon as she moves or just kicks a little I am reminded...oh yeah....I am growing a human. She is going to be awesome and I can't wait to meet her... and give her the list of names of people who upset me so she can avenge my honor. :)

Thank you for reading and now I am off to finish my never ending to do list. :)

Alice

Good morning everyone, and Happy Friday!

I decided to make some time this morning to make a post.

It's about one of those things that everyone asks but I never really tell the full story.

How I came up with the name Alice.

If you didn't know that is what I am naming our daughter.

Recently I started expressing that I have a slight obsession with Alice in wonderland. But I think only a few people actually know where that obsession comes from.

I have always liked the weird-ness of Alice and the idea of Wonderland sounds well wonderful. But it wasn't until I received an Alice in Wonderland doll after my sister passed away that I really felt something for the story.

My oldest sister had a doll collection. Honestly I had no idea until the day of her memorial service when they were given to me.

I guess whenever my dad would go someplace new he would get her a doll. There was no rhyme or reason for these dolls. They were all different types. Some of them were more elegant and kept in nice boxes, others were small and honestly...out right creepy looking. Ha-ha. I looked over these dolls and honestly I wasnt sure what I was going to do with them. They didn't really mean much to me. It wasn't a memory I shared with my sister and I think when they decided to give me the dolls it was just a nice gesture. Not something my sister decided before she passed.

I went through the boxes of dolls and tried to like them. I pulled out a few here and there and set them outside of the box so they could be seen and remind me that...well if my sister wasnt watching someone one was... haha.

But there was one doll the only doll I really felt a connection with and it was...if you guessed Alice in Wonderland you are right.

Her box was damaged but she was still in decent condition....compared to a lot of the other ones.
Some day if I find someone that does it I might get her restored but honestly her creepy vibe she has brings a weird smile on my face.

Wonderland is a little creepy so it fits.

This is the only doll I kept. I have other trinkets and what not that I feel a connection with my sister. A box full of dolls in my closet that would just get moved to one place to the next was not one of them.

So because of this doll I guess I added Alice in Wonderland to my list of likes. And because of that my friend introduced me to a Syfy original mini series "Alice"

This interpretation of Alice is by far my favorite. Alice wasn't blond this time and the mad Hatter was well... very attractive in a nerdy way haha. and of course.... he wore hats so we all know that's one of my favorite things.

Somehow this became something my husband and I bonded about when we first started talking. It is hard to find someone who has seen that specific movie so I was excited to know he knew what I was talking about.

This movie became the theme of our engagement photos and the theme for our wedding.

And the reason it became our daughters name is because well... it came to me in a dream...HAHA. When I started to really consider becoming a mom I had a dream about having three kids. The oldest, was a girl and her name was Alice.

I don't know if that little girl in my dream is actually my daughter or if it was something I conjured up somehow. But it just made sense that would be her name.

So in my own way its a way of honoring my sister because with out her...with out the doll... who knows if I would have gone down this rabbit hole.

I hoped you enjoyed my story :)

Have a wonderful day and a great weekend when it comes.